I didn’t post on the 16th. I usually post on important days to Kody’s loss but I had work that day and I was so sad, silently. I didn’t really express my pain to anyone. I told my mom the next day but that’s about it.
I cannot believe its been 2 years since my baby girl died. It still hits my heart so hard. I miss her so incredibly much. I have good days now, way more than bad ones and I’m living a happier life. Which is amazing but I will always miss her.
At first when I started to have better days, about 6 or 8 months ago. I felt incredibly guilty. I felt bad for being happy but I’ve come to realize that this is normal and this is good. Feeling better is what should be happening. I have also come to realize that loving my daughter doesn’t mean being horribly depressed all the time. I can be happy and still love and miss Kody just as much. This took awhile to come by but I’m so glad I finally did and I hope you all can come to this point someday soon.
Kody-Girl I miss you so much and I wish you could be here with me. Thank you so much for watching out for your baby brother in mommies tummy and being such an amazing big sister. I wish you could be here with me, almost 2 and running around waiting to become a big sister. I love you more than you’ll ever know. I hope you’re having fun in Heaven and waiting for me. I can’t wait for the day I can hold you and kiss you. It probably won’t be for a long time in my time but with all the fun you’re having I bet it won’t feel like very long in Heaven time. I love you pumpkin. Happy Belated 2 year Angelversery.
Okay so this is my fourth time trying to write my submission – I’m starting to think technology is not for me! Anyways, I guess I will start with my story now; it may be kind of lengthy so bear with me guys. I have experienced two miscarriages within two years of each other. It’s something so heart breaking to have to go through alone and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. My first loss was with my daughter Isabella, on March 30, 2010. She was due on November 4, 2010. (I used apps to figure out the due date based on my last period – I wasn’t able to get an appointment until after the miscarriage happened. I had it scheduled the week the miscarriage happened…) Her sperm donor and I met through where he worked and he found me on Myyearbook (wow flashback I know). And yes I refer to him as her sperm donor because he is dead to me and only used me for sex. We started to hang out and became good friends and we actually started to like each other (or I atleast did). Things kind of got out of hand when he would push me to be sexual with him and I wasn’t comfortable with that. Well one night he took it too far, I told him no, but he had sex with me anyways through my hysterical cries in a locked car in the park. Afterwards he told me he loved me.. and I thought he did so I kept sleeping with him. Now I’m not sure when I actually conceived Izzy (this is my nickname for Isabella) but I know it was sometime in January, considering I found out in the middle/end of February about being pregnant. Now I was on birth control when we were having sex, but I was on antibiotics for two weeks during January. So that is where I think I had a window of being able to get pregnant. I was 16 when I got pregnant so I was young and didn’t really know what I was doing. I didn’t tell many people once I found out because I was scared and afraid to have my parents find out. Well at the beginning of March I told him that I was pregnant – and of course he flipped his shit, saying it was impossible, how his parents would kill him, and that he can’t handle this right now. So he stopped speaking to me, avoided me at school, and made me feel completely alone in this. Well I started to get kind of excited so I told a few close friends and made a doctors appointment for the first of April. Well the week of my appointment I started feeling faint and sick to my stomach, I thought it was just the pregnancy I had read that happens. Well then I got even more sick and getting slight cramps. Still I reassured myself that maybe it’s just the baby growing.. well the day of losing her I woke up to horrible back pain but I went to school anyway. Around 11 am I went to Biology and was having horrible cramping – this pain was much more intense than any menstrual cramps I had ever felt. So I got worried.. I felt like I had to pee so badly but I had just used the bathroom. So I told my friend I had to go to the bathroom.. well when I went there was blood everywhere. Down my pants, my underwear were ruined and I was still dripping in blood while peeing. I felt like I had to push so I did and a small sack fell into the toilet. And at our school the toilets flush automatically so I tried to scoop her into my hands.. but she was so small and tiny and I just couldn’t. I felt so horrible. My friend came into the bathroom and they had to call the guidance counselor to call my mom to come get me from school. My mom was really upset and called to make an appointment – why the hell she didn’t take me to the ER I still have no clue. Well my appointment wasn’t until five hours later. They drew blood and got out the rest of the bloody tissue and checked to see if I needed a D&C thank goodness I didn’t, my body released her naturally. Well my levels had dropped tremendously and the doctor said they were so low he couldn’t even confirm that I was even pregnant. He told me that she had probably died earlier in the week but my body didn’t pass her until that day. I was so disgusted with myself, how could I have a dead child inside of me for five days and not know it? I was heartbroken and depressed. Apparently, a nurse or doctor saw my lab results and called my DAD and told him why I was there. Talk about illegal, I’m not even on his insurance. (my parents divorced when I was 5) He called me furious, yelling at me about how disappointed he was in me. My day went from bad to terrible in a matter of hours. So here I was in horrible pain, emotionally and physically, and her sperm donor was probably sleeping with some other girl not even thinking about us. That night he texted me asking me why I left school (what the hell does he care? He hadn’t spoken to me in two weeks) So I replied that I lost the baby and you know what he said? Just guess. He said “Ok”. THAT’S IT. That’s all he said to me and didn’t talk to me again until a month later asking if I had the okay to sleep with him after losing the baby. ARE YOU fUCKing Kidding me?!? You wanted nothing to do with me when I was pregnant with YOUR child, but now you want to know if I got the okay from the doctor to have sex with you? No. Fuck you, you piece of crap. ASDFGHJKL!!!??!? ( sorry I get a little pissed off thinking about it even four years later) I was alone in losing her and now I was alone in coping with it. I cried myself to sleep for months, the pain was terrible emotionally and physically. And let me just say this, I have forgiven him but I will never forget what he did. It is okay to forgive people who have hurt you, and even though it is hard, it will help you so much with becoming happy again. Well fast forward two years later and I’m with my now fiancé. When we lost our daughter Emery on April 24, 2012 we had been dating for 1.5 years. My fiancé and I have a very good relationship and he is an amazing person. Losing Emery hurt me so much but I’m so glad I wasn’t alone this time. I actually had no idea I was pregnant until my period was a little late and I started spotting. Once again, stupidly, we still had sex even though I was on antibiotics. I was due on December 6 with her so I’m guessing we conceived her sometime March? I’m not entirely too sure once again, I used an app to figure out my due date based on my last period. Considering I didn’t know I was pregnant until I started miscarrying, I hadn’t had a chance to make an appointment. Well I started off with spotting and bled for a few days and while at school I started to having the horrible pain I felt with Izzy again.. and I went to the bathroom and once again a small tiny sack came out. I was devastated I texted him telling him what happened & he was so heart broken. Well my mom made an appointment for my sister and I a week after I started miscarrying for updating our birth control & papsmyrs. (I hope that’s how you spell it) my bestfriend was at the hospital having her daughter so when I went to visit her I spoke to a doctor while I was there telling them what happened and a few days later I went in for my appointment telling my gyno what happened and she checked me and had said I passed her naturally. Still the pain emotionally was unbearable. My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship so he couldn’t really comfort me in person and it had to be done over the phone. But he was always so supporting and comforting. Sometimes I feel like he misses her and loves her more than I do (which isn’t possible, we miss her and love her the same amount I would like to think) And he is still comforting, we both still miss her two years later. We both love her so much and still think about her everyday, what it would be like with her here, how she would act and play. So this is my story about how I experienced two consecutive losses within two years of each other. Let me say this, it is hard and it’s a terrible thing to go through, but you can and will get through this. You may feel like you’re alone in this but you aren’t, you have all the wonderful women and men who follow this blog to help comfort you. And of course you have me, if you would like to ever speak to me about your loss or just to vent you can message me on my tumblr account letters2angels. I hope that my story can help anyone in any way possible. <3
Thank you so much Sloane for writing out your story about Isabella and Emery. You all can comment here or write me an ask or check out Sloane’s tumblr to hear more from her.
August 15th 2012, I suffered a miscarriage. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. It wasn’t until a week or so after the bleeding had stopped that I was told I’d miscarried. I didn’t know I was pregnant until I’d already lost the baby, but being unaware didn’t make it hurt any less. The emotional trauma alone makes me so scared to get pregnant again. Now, even if I’m just a few days late, I panic a little. Not at the prospect of being pregnant, but losing the baby if I am. I was in college at the time, on and off again “relationship” with a man named Terrance that I’d met the second week of school. Towards the end of the first year, I was late. Since I was 16, I’ve had polycystic ovarian syndrome, so missing two or three cycles was kind of normal for me. After the pregnancy test came back negative, I assumed it was a cyst. I was wrong. Three months later, give or take, I’d lost a baby. I bled for 16 days and it was terrifying. It didn’t help that I went through it alone. My mom had spent the whole summer hinting at the fact that she wants grandchildren. Baby magazines on the table, looking at baby clothes on eBay, so on and so forth. The night before I went to the OBGYN to talk about why I ended up in the hospital due to excessive bleeding, I got into a fight with Terrance over some trivial thing that I don’t even remember. The next morning after my appointment, I told my mom. I swear, she must’ve been more upset than I was, she couldn’t eat or sleep for weeks. Terrance on the other hand, thought I was lying to him about it to hurt his feelings, since I know he’s suffered numerous pregnancy losses himself. With him thinking I was lying, my mom losing her mind, and my friends not understanding, I went through it alone. I cried myself to sleep wondering how I could have had a baby in my belly for over three months and NOT KNOW. That was how I got through it. I cried. A lot. All the time. I had trouble sleeping and even when I did, I had nightmares. In one of my nightmares, I was in the bathroom at my apartment. There was blood everywhere and I was screaming. My roommate called 911 and they had to bust down the bathroom door when they got there. I was sitting on my bathroom floor holding a tiny sack and you could just make out a little baby inside. I was crying and begging them to put it back, to please just put my baby back in me. Now, if I even feel like I might have a bad dream, I won’t even sleep because I’m afraid I’ll have that same nightmare all over again. It took me a little while to want to stop hiding in my room during the hours that I wasn’t at work but eventually I had to leave. A few weeks after, my best friend convinced me to go shopping. At Old Navy, a little newborn baby hoodie with an owl on it caught my eye. I thought “I would have bought that for my baby.” I’ve got no baby, but I bought it anyway. I kept thinking people would judge me. Maybe they would think “why is she buying that, she obviously doesn’t have a baby” or “she doesn’t deserve to even be upset.” It took me a while to realize that these strangers didn’t even know about what I was going through. When I got home, I put it on a teddy bear a friend had gotten me for valentines day, and I held it. I cuddled with it every night. When I got sad, I’d pick up that teddy bear and I’d squeeze it and just hold onto it like my life depended on it. I have a tattoo for my baby also. It’s the words “born into heaven” the shape of a ribbon in pink and blue. My favorite tattoo out of all of them. I want tattoos for all of my babies, the ones that I will hold and the one I never got to hold. Two years later, I still get sad every now and again. Especially when all of my friends are having babies. But with any luck, I might have one of my own soon. Terrance and I didn’t talk for almost a full year. He’d abandoned me and he’d hurt me. Eventually, as we have every time we’ve drifted away from each other, we reconnected. I asked him once, why he thought I lied to him. He just said he wasn’t sure if he should believe me, that maybe I would say something like that to hurt him. I’ve worked hard since then to make him understand that I would never do or say anything to hurt him in any way. I would like to think that now, we know each other a lot better than we did back then. I love him and he loves me, each in our own way. These days, we’re not exactly trying to have a baby, but we’ve pretty much stopped taking precautions against pregnancy. I am hoping and praying that someday (very very soon) we will have that little miracle.
Thank you Brittney so much for writing your story out for my blog! I hope you all liked this new guest writer thing, this is our first story of many I’m sure. As each of my mom friends sends their story to me I’ll post it. It takes time for everyone to do so. If you’d like to say something to Brittney because you liked her story or you can relate to it, you’re more than welcome to comment below on this story or send me an ask and I’ll make sure she see’s it! Thanks everyone! -Olivia